Even as I start this, I’m not exactly sure where I’m going with it, and that is rare for me. I may go on rants, but even then I have things planned out.
The past couple days things just haven’t seemed to be going right. Some of it, okay, more than some of it, has been of my doing. I’ve jumped ahead of God, got caught up in sin, and managed to alienate a few people. Even people I just met. And I was bitter, angry, and upset. Worse, I was complacent. I always pray to God for wisdom in making decisions, that I would be aware of His presence, that He would give me discernment so that I wouldn’t say something stupid and know which friendships are worth pursuing and which I should stay away from. It just hasn’t seemed to be clicking.
As I looked at the wreckage of several un-thought out decisions and word choices, I examined my prayer. God has granted many requests, even recently, in seemingly impossible and miraculous ways. I know He always answers prayer, and requests as these He would not refuse, He even says so about wisdom. So the problem is not with God (go figure). It is either because I “ask amiss” and don’t really mean what I am saying, or God is giving me what I request and I am not using it. That struck me pretty hard. God answers my prayer in the affirmative, and I’m not even using what He’s giving me. How ungrateful.
This I was thinking tonight (it’s Wednesday) as I was walking between various places on campus in the dark and cold; how representative the weather was of I and my heart! I still hadn’t really figured things out, I figured it would take time for everything to unravel. Then God showed up again in His miraculous way.
I’ve been playing intramural whiffle ball these past few weeks late on Wednesdays. (And, if I may say so, I am quite fantastic for not having played baseball since third grade- and being terrible then.) Sports have always allowed me to either take out any frustration or forget about it (and usually build more). But this was completely fun, and a good game; I had forgotten all about my troubles. Alas, when my team had talked after the game, I went to the end of the basketball courts and picked an empty spot to swap glasses and put warm clothes on.
“The thing about a relationship with God is, it’s not Him up there waiting to judge you, it’s Him down here building the relationship with you.” What?! My attention had been captured. I looked at the other end of the bleachers to see a rec center worker talking to a guy that had just finished a basketball game.
“I mean, I can’t say I always have the best relationship with Him. I don’t think I talk to Him enough.” She went on to explain a little about her life and gave some other advice to the young man I now saw was wearing a First Baptist shirt. I don’t remember everything they said because about halfway through God shook me, and I was torn up inside.
To anyone who doesn’t believe God is not intimately involved in the affairs of man, besides the numerous scripture I could point you to, I can point you to every day in my life. And tonight was by far no exception.
I went up to the two of them, now being indirectly surrounded by other basketball pick-up players. They introduced themselves and I reciprocated. Then I told the worker, “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop over there, but I needed that tonight.”
This immediately excited the young man, and she asked if everything was alright. I told her “yeah” (I had a bus to catch soon), and we conversed for a minute. I thanked her again, and the whole time waiting for the bus thanked God while examining my life. I know I have to relying on Him for the things I have control over and trust Him for those things I don’t. Sometimes I just need reminded of it.
“For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.” – I Corinthians 5:14-15