My plan coming back from Beach
Reach, where campus ministries from around the country go to share the gospel
with those at Panama City Beach for spring break, was to write specifically
about my experiences there. But in order to fully capture the work that God
continued in my life, I think it’s important to start by capturing what He has
done throughout this entire spring semester.
I feel like I should be open
with my friends about how God is showing Himself and how I need prayer for my
shortcomings. And if you don’t know me and are reading this, I’m really glad
you are, but your perception of me doesn’t really have any effect on my life.
So, basically, I want to draw on the changes in my attitude to bless you all,
and maybe even spark something in you.
These things aren’t anything I
didn’t already know, for the most part. They’re just things I wasn’t living
out, as I frequently have knowledge about Christianity but don’t apply it to my
life.
1. My identity is wrapped up in Christ alone.
This particularly has been ongoing throughout the
entirety of this semester. Several things have led me deeper into this
conclusion.
First was homecoming week. I put a ton of work into
homecoming planning for the BCM, starting over winter break and continuing into
the first few weeks of the semester. I knew it would take time, but even I
underestimated it. This is not to earn pity, it’s just relevant information to
this lesson.
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| Homecoming game |
In the midst of putting all of this together, I was
also a homecoming court nominee. This was a really cool experience. I said all
along, if I could just make it onto homecoming court, I’d be perfectly content.
Turns out I did. At the end of the day, I didn’t win homecoming king. I think
what made this harder was that a good friend of mine did win homecoming queen,
and for some reason that ate at me. I scrutinized myself, as I often do: what
did I need to do differently to win? Where was I not good enough? In time, this
wore off, but there was a time of some frustration.
Second, the BCM had presidential interviews. I came in
with more expectations than I should have. I truly thought I was the best
candidate (again, I’m not claiming my thoughts and attitudes have been correct,
but through them God has humbled me; hence I want to share them to see where I
was and where God has taken me); I had a number of people tell me this as well.
I had been somewhat led to believe I was the favorite candidate. It was
something I wanted, and I had been involved in brainstorming for the new
structure of our leadership team. Roads seemed to be pointing to me.
Turns out, again, I didn’t get what I wanted. I was
pretty frustrated, as were a few other candidates that were passed over. Add to
it the fact that a support system for us was all but nonexistent, and there was
bitterness. This lasted for close to a week, an eternity for someone like me
who glazes over disappointments quickly. The reality is that I prayed that (1)
God would do what He knew was best for the ministry and (2) that He would put
me where I needed to be and where I could best benefit the ministry. For all my
limited mind knows, He did just that.
Add to it seeing friends in relationships and some
battles with confidence, and I’ve been abased this semester.
I had to bring myself to the clear point of my
identity. My identity doesn’t come from accolades, positions, friendships,
relationships, appearance, or anything else that the world may place value on.
My identity comes through Christ alone.
Beach Reach was the first time that I was entirely at
peace with this fact this semester.
You’re a Good, Good Father: it’s
who You are.
And I’m loved by You: it’s who I am.
My worth isn’t decided by my accomplishments. Those
change, and my value would change with them. My worth isn’t decided by me or
any other person. My identity is wrapped up in Christ. The fact that the
Creator of the universe is also a personal God who came to Earth to die to
cover my failures and regrets so He could personally know me and adopt me into
His very family shows me all I need to know about myself. God’s love for me
does not change through any and every circumstance, and so my value stays the
same. He cares for me, and if nothing else goes right in my life, that is
enough. Being loved by God is who I am.
2. I am not as spiritually mature as I thought
I was.
This will probably be the toughest to write about, as I
front like I have things together to most people I know.
I came into Beach Reach overconfident. I have done
similar outreach work in pro-life ministry for a couple years. Tactically,
conversations are fairly similar. It takes some degree of boldness. Pair that
with knowledge I have about the Bible and apologetic issues, and I thought I’d
be fine.
Then that was put to the test.
We went out for the first time on Sunday night. For
your reference, Beach Reach has several ministries that go on to reach people
at Panama City Beach. From 9 pm to 2 am (or later), there are three things taking
place: van teams, where people can call in and get a safe ride to their next
destination and hear the gospel in the process; street teams, where dozens of
small groups walk the streets and visit spots in PCB to talk to people about
Jesus; and the prayer room, where people can pray for the incoming requests
sent in by the other two teams. My first assignment was in vans.
When the first guys got in, I connected well with them.
I usually can with strangers. But I had a lot of trouble transitioning the conversation
to the gospel. There were several things at work here. One, I truly couldn’t
find a good, natural way to bring the conversation to that point. Two, I was
afraid it would appear like we were betraying their trust by giving them a ride
just to share the gospel with them (when in reality they basically knew that it
was our purpose). Finally, I was legitimately timid in sharing my faith. This
frustrated me because I’m supposed to be an experienced leader.
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| "Y'all are the light of the world." |
The speaker during the week was phenomenal. A flaw of
mine is that my mind tends to wander. Not just during a sermon or prayer, but
while I’m having a conversation or doing homework. I struggle to pay attention
at times. This was the first time in a while that I was really tuned into a
speaker. Not because other preaching I’ve heard is bad; my heart just hasn’t
been in the right place. Austin hit the aspect of preaching the gospel hard.
And he didn’t pull punches. For three straight nights he shut off the lights
during part of his sermon to show us the darkness in which the world is living.
Not just during spring break at Panama City Beach. On our campuses. In our
communities. In our circles of friends.
One of his hardest hitting points was why we were down
there in the first place.
“If you’re stepping over the dead at your university to
come down to reach the dead at Panama City Beach, what makes you think you’ll
do it here if you’re not even doing it there?”
Proclaiming the gospel isn’t something we set aside a
week for. It’s a lifestyle, or at least it should be. I was talking to another
BCM person on the beach, and we were thinking of how many people with whom we’ve
actually shared the gospel. Two. That’s all I could think of that have
consistently heard the gospel from me. There have been a few random people I’ve
told once, but that’s it. Two people. I know a lot more than two people. I
occasionally tell someone the gospel, and think I’m good. I can reference
something in case it comes up in conversation. Sure, people know I’m a
Christian, and that I’m involved in a campus ministry, but that doesn’t tell
them the gospel, and I need to stop acting like it does. WE need to stop acting
like it does. If I’m afraid to share it here, it’s no small wonder that I
started off the same way down there.
The good news is, Austin also turned on a single
lightbulb to illustrate how brightly it shines in a dark room. And things did
get better.
Prayer is another huge struggle for me. It’s an
occasional thing for some specific need. It’s a quick thing before I read my
Bible. Worst of all, it’s usually a thrown together string of words that are so
automatic in my head from years of Christian learning that I don’t even think
about them.
It’s not a daily thing. It’s not a sacrificial thing.
It’s not a set aside time. I was stretched greatly in this area as well, as I
did things I wasn’t comfortable with coming into the trip.
My, how I realized how spiritually immature I am. I
needed to be slapped in the face. I was even fooling myself.
So how did this change?
3. The Holy Spirit can lead in ways we can’t
comprehend.
I’ve never had a good understanding of the Spirit’s
leading. I was raised to be very cautious of this, and with good reason; there
are many people who believe they are in the Spirit but in reality are being led
by their own whims with things their minds conjure up. My problem is that I let
this caution turn to scrutiny. When I heard someone talk about the Spirit
guiding them to some random place, I scoffed.
Bring my softening attitude to Wednesday night of Beach
Reach. I had struggled thus far and was praying for a team assignment that
would show me the proper way to handle myself out there. God delivered me to an
old friend.
Matt Wallin had an incredible impact on my spiritual
life during my first two years in college. My freshman year, I lived in the
same residence hall as him and had many conversations and learned an incredible
amount. I spent many Wednesday nights with him ministering to the homeless in
Cincinnati. A few of us joke about how often he is mentioned around the BCM, to
where I’ve almost forgotten how much he has helped shape my spiritual growth.
As God would have it, our campus minister invited the
Virginia Tech BCM to stay with our group. Matt’s on staff there as an intern.
This group was a great asset and I loved the opportunity to work and live with
them for a week.
That Wednesday, I was put with Matt on the streets. We
went out of the drop-off spot and sat down by a retaining pond. There, Matt
told us to pray and listen to God for His direction on where we should go or
who we should talk to. After a while, one of the girls said she felt we should
wait. So we did. She ended up answering a text from someone who needed a van
ride. Our waiting caused her to take notice of that need. So we prayed and
listened again. For some strange reason, I took notice of a concrete drain
sticking up out of the pond that would drain water if it got too high. I was
trying my best to make sure my thoughts were guided by God and not just allowed
to run free, as they often do. So I began to think about floods. What do they
do? What emotions do they provoke? I wasn’t sure what it meant, so I filed it
away as we walked on. We literally prayed every time we came to a place with
multiple directions to choose from. We soon came to one, and we began to pray again.
I looked one direction. Then I looked the other direction. There, down the
road, I saw the Ripley’s Believe it or Not building. It is built to look like a
sinking ship. Floods! We went that way.
We continued this for a while, as I listened to Matt’s
past experiences in being Spirit-led. One year, a team member felt as they
should talk to someone with Vans shoes on. After walking a while, they stopped
again to pray for direction. Another felt they should go somewhere with liquor,
which isn’t a long walk in PCB. They came to a Kroger Liquor store and went in.
There they found a man wearing Vans shoes.
Another happened that week, when a team member felt
they should go to a pizza place of which they knew. A different group member
thought they should talk to someone who was alone. When they got there, there
was no one alone. But as one of them ordered a slice of pizza, someone showed
up. Alone.
We were led to the same place because we were headed
that direction and Matt had a desire for pizza. A different group was there
already, and one of their members began talking to a man sitting alone. Matt
joined her, and they talked for an hour or more. Towards the end of that
conversation, a Virginia Tech girl and I walked to an ice cream place in the
same building. When I came out, she had sat down at a table with two
college-age guys. I initially thought, by their demeanor, that they were Beach
Reachers. It turned out they weren’t, but were knowledgeable about the Bible.
We were able to question them about biblical salvation and in time were able to
confirm that they were Christians.
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| Club LaVela, one of the biggest clubs in Panama City Beach |
Obviously, I did this with my group the next night. We were
led a certain direction and came across a group of guys. I began talking to
them and asked how their week had been (this was our last night on the street).
We learned they were trying to get to a club. I called into the van hotline,
which was extremely busy, thankfully. They eventually caught a party bus as I
still was on hold. But one of the guys, a Canadian named Barrett, told a member
that he had a Christian background but was questioning God’s existence, as is a
healthy thing to question. One of our team members had been through the same
thing and was able to give him Answers in Genesis as a resource.
Oh, and I've seen many searching
for answers far and wide.
But I know we're all searching
For answers only you provide.
In reality, every person down at PCB to party has
contemplated eternity. They’ve thought about God and religion. It’s impossible
to not have some sort of contact with Christianity in America, even if someone
doesn’t know the full gospel. They all contemplate at one point, and even while
down there for a totally different reason, they too are searching for answers.
They may be looking to the wrong things, but they are searching. We are placed
down there to lead them to truth, and we are placed where we are now for the
same purpose.
Later that night, we headed another way and came across
a Sonic. There sat three men who were coming back from a bluegrass gig. I talked
to them for a while but never steered the conversation towards the gospel.
While it wasn’t easy, I know I could have done more. I vowed not to let anyone
else go that night without sharing the gospel with them.
We sat there at Sonic and prayed for direction. For
some reason, I was feeling led to head towards a Holiday Inn Resort down the
road. On our way, we had our best and final conversation of the night.
Josh was sitting alone by a building, trying to light a
cigarette. We walked over to him and started a conversation. It didn’t take
long to learn that he was down in Florida running from a lot of problems in
Dallas. He had two warrants out for him, was being sued, had piling medical
bills, suffered three mini heart attacks in his two weeks down there, attempted
suicide, and had a lot to face should he go back. But in Panama City Beach, he
was alone, away from everyone he knew. As he continued to open up, we were able
to open up to him. I was able to relate through my family’s struggle with
medical bills and my close friend who almost committed suicide. I was able to
tell him that he has worth in God’s eyes and that God is pursuing him and wants
to know him. This was evident to him, as earlier in the week he’d already
talked to several other teams both on the street and at our pancake breakfasts
in the mornings. He said the only people who cared to approach him were
Christians. Amazingly, Sarah in my group had seen Josh’s name come up before on
the prayer board and was able to tell him that he had been prayed for all week.
Josh has a church background but is not a believer. He’s working through a lot
in his mind currently. We prayed for him and I got his phone number to keep in
touch. Pray that he makes the right decisions, is kept safe, and is brought to
a point that he repents and puts faith in Christ.
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| NKU + VT |
All of this, make note, because we allowed the Holy
Spirit to lead us where He’d have us to go.
‘Cause you are perfect in all of
your ways.
You are perfect in all of your ways.
You are perfect in all of your ways to us.
On the last night, Austin spoke about the Holy Spirit.
He brought out the different translations of the Greek word in the Bible.
Besides “Spirit”, “breath” and “wind” are also used. Through the illustration
of breath, Austin questioned if we did indeed have the Holy Spirit in us.
Throughout the week he continually pressed that our being on a mission trip did
not automatically qualify us as Christians. This was important because there
was a girl in our NKU group that realized this and was saved there along with the 33 others our teams were able to bring to Christ. While the strict alcohol laws
drastically decreased the number of spring breakers in the city, it did not
hinder God’s work both in the lives of those down to party and those down to
minister.
Austin used a boat metaphor to describe why we might
not be being led by the “wind”. First, our sails might not be up – we might not
be praying. Second, we might be docked – we might not be allowing ourselves to
be led. Third, we might be hung up on rocks – there might be something such as
selfish motivations or secret sin that is keeping us from moving. As I mulled this
over, I knew I’d sound cliché, but every one of these points described me to
some extent. It was again a reality check into how little I utilized the Holy
Spirit God has given me.
In fact, the Spirit led me to even get to this point.
Spring break of my freshman and sophomore years was spent on Created Equal’s
Justice Ride, taking the truth about abortion to campuses in Florida. This is
very important work I’ve devoted a lot of time to during college. But I gave
Beach Reach fair consideration, and after talking with a few trusted people,
opted to change things up this year. I missed the Justice Ride, but I made the
right decision.
Beach Reach has definitely stretched me. The way we did
prayer involved praying aloud with everyone else praying simultaneously. I had
to focus to keep my conversation with God alone, as so often I think about what
I can say for others. Same with worship. Our worship is to glorify God alone,
yet it’s so easy to be concerned with the perceptions of others around me. I’ve
been pushed to be forward with the gospel not just there, but here.
As you call me deeper still,
As you call me deeper still,
As you call me deeper still
Into love, love, love.
Too often, we come back from a trip and never continue
the change that happened there. Already I’ve been tempted, which is to be
expected. I don’t want us as a ministry to stop that progress. We have a huge
opportunity to make an impact where we are, and I don’t want to waste that time
living in fear and sin. There is too much at stake.
It’s been awesome seeing the growth in my life and so
many lives around me. Listening to some of the others in the BCM speak on their
plans coming back is incredible. The fire isn’t going to feed itself; this we
must realize. But if we’re really in tune to God’s heart, there is no limit to
the potential because there is no limit to how God can work.
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| Sunrise on the last morning |
As I spent the rest of our final night in prayer, this
song came on a couple times in the background. The first time, I lifted it up
as a prayer to God. Earnest, heartfelt prayer with no regard for what was going
on around me. The second time, I cried as I relayed these stories to Andrew
from my BCM:
Oh, I've heard a thousand stories
of what they think You're like.
But I've heard the tender whisper
of love in the dead of night.
And You tell me that You're pleased
And that I'm never alone.
You're a Good, Good Father:
It's who You are. It's who You are.
It's who You are.
And I'm loved by You:
It's who I am. It's who I am. It's
who I am.
Oh, and I've seen many searching
for answers far and wide.
But I know we're all searching
For answers only You provide.
‘Cause You know just what we need
Before we say a word.
You're a Good, Good Father:
It's who You are. It's who You are.
It's who You are.
And I'm loved by You:
It's who I am. It's who I am. It's
who I am.
‘Cause you are perfect in all of
your ways.
You are perfect in all of your ways.
You are perfect in all of your ways
to us.
You are perfect in all of your ways.
You are perfect in all of your ways.
You are perfect in all of your ways
to us.
Oh, it's love so undeniable
I, I can hardly speak.
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think.
As You call me deeper still,
As You call me deeper still,
As You call me deeper still,
Into love, love, love.
You're a Good, Good Father:
It's who You are. It's who You are.
It's who You are.
And I'm loved by You:
It's who I am. It's who I am. It's
who I am.
You're a Good, Good Father:
(You are perfect in all of Your
ways.)
It's who You are. It's who You are.
It's who You are.
And I'm loved by You:
(You are perfect in all of Your
ways.)
It's who I am. It's who I am. It's
who I am.
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